Gay Public Bathroom Etiquette: An Interview with Kevin Posey

(This post was supposed to be published around the time of the Larry Craig scandal - around Oct 1, 2007 - but it was too racy. Hmmm, I wonder why?)

At first I was amused. Another Republican Senator caught in a seedy homo act! And one who had voted in a hypocritical and self-hating way on marriage and hate crimes. I was amazed at the press conference where Larry Craig professed that he wasn't gay, over and over again. I laughed at the parodies of the scene from the Minneapolis airport bathroom stalls.

But then I started getting tired of it, and angry. Especially
after reading about all the right-wing pols and commentators foaming at the mouth trying to distance themselves from him--like playing footsie in a public bathroom is way worse than Senators aiding and abetting a corrupt and criminal administration.

Plus, I kind of feel sorry for Sen. Craig, that he had to lead a double and closeted life. How horrible must that be? I know, I know, the Foleys and the Haggards get what they deserve, but still... I think it's tired and cheap to keep poking fun.

The family-values bloggers have been using the Larry Craig incident to confirm their fear and loathing of gay men as sinful sexual predators. Sadly, since the Senator didn't feel like he could carry out his business openly (on, say, the Rosie Cruise) he had to be sneaky and yucky about it. But that doesn't mean he's a predator. He was looking for other gay men who knew the protocol, which includes the foot-tapping undercover cop who arrested him. Shouldn't he have been looking out for terrorists instead of closeted old gay men?

Anyway, this whole thing has got me wondering: What exactly is the protocol for sex in a public bathroom? I decided to ask fellow musician and makeup artist to the rock stars, Kevin Posey. I somehow thought he would know.

Jill: Kevin, if I was a closeted gay Republican who wanted sex in the Minneapolis airport bathroom, how would I get to it?

Kevin: Well, Jill, if you happened to be a closeted gay Republican looking to get your rocks off in a public forum, you would just need to decide a couple of things. First: shopping mall, or any type of mass transit venue? I'm not certain what it is about these specific places that brings out the gay in guys but I have a few theories. Shopping with their girlfriends or wives leaves them bored, as they've suppressed the "gay" gene so hardcore over the years they can't relate to shopping and therefore must go to their most base animal instinct: f***ing. Traveling tends to make everyone anxious, and the need to go to the loo occurs more often due to anxiety. And nothing relieves tension like busting a nut.

Jill: Let's move forward and say you've chosen your bathroom locale, as I don't want to lose sight of the objective here--which is getting your faux closeted Republican ass some action!

Kevin: If you want to engage in more than a simple stroke fest with a buddy, I suggest that when you enter the restroom, you walk past the urinals when you and pick a stall--any stall will do. If you aren't a germ-phobic closeted 'mo, sit your horny ass down. If you are, put down one of those weird toilet-seat-shaped covers and then sit your ass down....and wait. Eventually someone will sit down in the stall beside you. Once that occurs, it will soon obvious by scent and sound whether they are there for the real reason the restroom was invented, or for a little man-on-man action.

Jill: Are their certain signs or codes one would give to indicate his preferences?

Kevin: The signs that "it's on" are so varied -- but let's focus on the basics. The one that got our dear old friend in trouble is a tried and true method of gettin' some in a restroom: the foot tap. The foot tap should occur with the tapper's foot slightly invading the other stall... then you wait... then, if the other person taps his foot, proceed. The next action depends on whether you are a top or bottom.

If you choose to reach a hand under or roll a finger along the bottom of the stall divider, you'll be offering up your hand (or mouth and I've even heard ass! though I'm unsure of how this actually occurs by constraints of space). This would put you in the submissive position. If you prefer being serviced, then you sit and wait it out till someone offers up said hand or finger... then give that bitch what he wants!

This will absolutely assure you some action and possibly an arrest if the police are feeling like a little entrapment that day, as there is absolutely no way that anyone following these steps --especially if they have so much to lose--would ever engage in anything without the go-ahead from the other side. Well, unless they happen to be high on meth and then that's a completely different subject altogether and a far more destructive element in our culture than someone trying to get off!

Jill: So, would you say most the men cruising, in these public places, are sad closeted married men, or out gay men who just find that kind of pickup sexy?

Kevin: I have to say that the peeps looking for "love" in the restroom setting are a varied mix of older closeted Republican fart knockers who have voted against the core of who they are, gay boys out and proud but looking for a little kink, jock straight (or str8) guys who want to re-live a bit of the old locker room stroke fest they had in high school or college, and everything in between, really... dudes are horny retards when it comes to their wieners and honestly will nut whenever the need arises... pun intended!

Jill: Have you ever engaged?

Kevin: Yes, and I have a ton of reasons why... I am a kinky weirdo that gets off on the thought of some stud blowing me and then leaving the bathroom to finish shopping with his wife or girlfriend... it makes me feel sexy. I am more of a rub one out with a bud at the urinal though as that was something I did as a young guy in school first realizing I liked guys.

I would like to say that just because this sort of thing occurs it absolutely does not mean that I, Mr. Craig, or (most) any other person engaging in this particular past time is out to f*** some infant up the butt! I mean... give me a break, already. My being a proud gay man with a perverted streak does not mean that I am a lecherous turd or a blight on society. If being supportive of a corrupt government makes me an upright citizen then I prefer to be on the fringe please... and thank you.

Jill: Thanks Kevin. This has been a swell time and educational too.

Vibrator Laws Suck. Free The Rabbit!

(Originally posted by Jill on Feb 19, 2008)

On one of my last Yahoo blogs, I posted about the insanity of our drug laws - specifically mandatory minimums and three strikes. Many of the commentors had no sympathy and disagreed - "if you know its illegal, don't f**king do it. You do the crime, you do the time."

Well, what about this law?

"Alabama's Anti-Obscenity Enforcement Act prohibits, among other things, the commercial distribution of 'any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs for any thing of pecuniary value.'"

Alabama is a vibrator – free state! That's settles it. That is where I am going to raise my family.

So, you can sell a semiautomatic rifle to a depressed teen, but if they catch you (under the table at the gun store) also peddling the latest Hello Kitty pocket rocket or dildo, you are going to the slammer, buddy!
That's right, folks, " You do the crime, you do the time."
Seriously, you could actually get a year in jail and a $10,000 fine.

There is one loophole through:

"The law contains an exception for sexual devices sold for medical and scientific purposes, and many adult stores have continued sales after posting signs saying their merchandise falls within the exceptions."

I want to know what “medical and scientific purposes” they came up with for peddling the "Daring Dolphin", the "Turbo Stroker", and of course…"the bend-over beginning kit".

I also bring up this unjust law as, last week, a federal appeals court overturned a statute outlawing sex toy sales in Texas. So now it's just Mississippi and Alabama.
So, I say instead of all this anti-war and campaign nonsense, we do something for our oppressed brothers in the Cotton State.
Let's all go down to Huntsville and do a "rabbit" freedom march.
Are you all with me???

FREE THE RABBIT!

(for those that don't know - the Rabbit is a best selling vibrator that, I just saw, has it's own Wikipedia entry)

a song about Super Tuesday?

(Originally posted by Jill on Feb 5, 2008)

I have spent way too much time clicking from MSNBC to CNN and even (gulp)…Fox News. In the car, I have forsaken my ipod and favorite college music station for NPR and bad talk radio. Conversation has become one-dimensional: Experience vs. change? Limbaugh vs. McCain? It's Super Tuesday, and I can't stop yet!

This morning I was asked back on the Bryant Park Project to perform a Super Tuesday song. Since it was last minute, and as I said my muse has been on hiatus, I thought I would ask my buddy and slam poet Rives to help out.

Here it is: It's Super Tuesday

Oh, and since it was live, please ignore my mistakes.

Why the Hate for Hillary?

(Originally posted by Jill on Jan 15, 2008)

While chatting with my Republican brother (the only one in the family), even he agreed that the white-hot hatred that most of his brethren feel for Hillary... is a bit over the top.

But as soon as he got there, he said, "but it's the exact same thing that you all have for Bush. You either say he is evil personified or a complete idiot." Well, he had a point. Then I said something like, "Well, Hillary may not be my favorite pantsuit wearer, but she certainly didn't get us into an unnecessary war that killed thousands of Americans and many, many more innocent Iraqis (although some would say that she is responsible for her part in voting for it). And she has not single handed-ly taken the goodwill that we had from the world after 9/11, and thrown it down the tubes. I could go on, but I won't."

My new smart and thoughtful conservative friend, who we will name, "The Benign Conservative" (he has a sort of famous other career), is also bothered by Hillary's personal life. He says she is a terrible role model (for say, someone's daughter). After having been cheated on and humiliated several times, she still took the bastard back.

He does have a point, but I do find it funny when, all of a sudden, people on the right turn into ardent feminists. Personally, I think forgiveness is a great thing, but more importantly, I could care less what the White House couple do to each other. I just want someone to do a good job, or at least fair to middling.

Anyway, the benign conservative has given us at the Provocateurs his latest take on Hillary and her display of emotion last week. Next post, we will hear from

"The Weepies"

By The Benign Conservative

Heck, we all get them. I can watch Field of Dreams 100 times 100 and still get misty at the end. Heck, I know it's his dad and I know they are going to play catch. But this red-meat eating red stater can't help it. Or the Friday night shabbat prayer and blessing of the children, (I'm not Jewish but it still touches me deeply when I am invited for sabbath). Or talk of my sainted grandmother or my cursed San Diego Chargers. Tears are not a bad or evil thing but cleansing and human.

So why does the sight of Hillary getting vaclempt make so many people's teeth itch? Because the moments of emotion I describe are all external. For a President, (or their many wannabes), tearing up over wounded or deceased soldiers, the suffering of others or even how fast their children have grown is acceptable. Maybe even expected.

Hillary cried for herself. That a campaign is hard. Oh, so very hard. For her. The enemies, her enemies, are everywhere. The corn-husking morons of Iowa who are unable to see her as the clear and obvious presidential heir apparent. It was so very, very Nixonian. If you listened closely you could almost hear the faint ringing of bygone political self-pity, "Think of what you'll be missing: You won't have Hillary to kick around any more".

Unfortunately, it seemed to work. Women voted in record numbers in New Hampshire. Many in exit interviews noting "we saw the real Hillary". For what? Ten seconds. Then it was back to transformer woman.

And if the result was to unveil a self-pitying, paranoid politician why in the name of feminism did it work?

Thank you, Mr. Benign Conservative

I bet some of you out there have an opinion on this.

Side note: Curiously, how many of you have been cheated on? And if so, did you forgive or move on? Or, the other way around. I want to know. I'm not sure why.

Also, are you all going to watch the debates tonight? I bet they won't be as nasty.

Obama and Me

(Originally posted by Jill on Dec. 10, 2008)

Now I know what all of those girls at Shea stadium must have felt for the Beatles, or what the bobby soxers saw in Frank, and probably what a few girls in South Korea still feel for Michael Jackson.

On Friday night in Chicago, I played at a Barack Obama fundraiser, along with Wilco and Macy Gray (who was not wild about having to share her dressing room with me).

When they told me I could meet him, I thought, that's cool. I had no idea he would turn me into a silly girl whose heart was all a-flutter.

Sure, I had seen the charisma in his speeches and flashes of it in the debates, but meeting him one-on-one was something entirely different - even if it was only for 10 seconds and a photo op. But, for that 10 seconds (okay maybe it was 7), I was the only person in the whole world that mattered to him. He takes his time as he grasps your hand, looks you deep in the eyes, and… swoon.

I've heard that Clinton (Bill) has this ability too. My Aunt Mickey, who was very proper, uncharacteristically said that when she met Bill, she understood why Monica did what she did.

Of more importance, I have the feeling that this man could actually bring change and hope to an indifferent, cynical or completely disgusted electorate. It was so great to see the concert hall filled with excited 20-somethings. OK, so maybe Michael Jackson wasn't exactly the right analogy. Maybe, it's more like… John Kennedy.

And someday, if anyone ever asked me to, I would so sing "Happy Birthday (Mr. President)" Marilyn-style to Obama.


Where do you guys stand on Hillary vs Obama?