At first I was amused. Another Republican Senator caught in a seedy homo act! And one who had voted in a hypocritical and self-hating way on marriage and hate crimes. I was amazed at the press conference where Larry Craig professed that he wasn't gay, over and over again. I laughed at the parodies of the scene from the Minneapolis airport bathroom stalls.
But then I started getting tired of it, and angry. Especially
after reading about all the right-wing pols and commentators foaming at the mouth trying to distance themselves from him--like playing footsie in a public bathroom is way worse than Senators aiding and abetting a corrupt and criminal administration.
Plus, I kind of feel sorry for Sen. Craig, that he had to lead a double and closeted life. How horrible must that be? I know, I know, the Foleys and the Haggards get what they deserve, but still... I think it's tired and cheap to keep poking fun.
The family-values bloggers have been using the Larry Craig incident to confirm their fear and loathing of gay men as sinful sexual predators. Sadly, since the Senator didn't feel like he could carry out his business openly (on, say, the Rosie Cruise) he had to be sneaky and yucky about it. But that doesn't mean he's a predator. He was looking for other gay men who knew the protocol, which includes the foot-tapping undercover cop who arrested him. Shouldn't he have been looking out for terrorists instead of closeted old gay men?
Anyway, this whole thing has got me wondering: What exactly is the protocol for sex in a public bathroom? I decided to ask fellow musician and makeup artist to the rock stars, Kevin Posey. I somehow thought he would know.
Jill: Kevin, if I was a closeted gay Republican who wanted sex in the Minneapolis airport bathroom, how would I get to it?
Kevin: Well, Jill, if you happened to be a closeted gay Republican looking to get your rocks off in a public forum, you would just need to decide a couple of things. First: shopping mall, or any type of mass transit venue? I'm not certain what it is about these specific places that brings out the gay in guys but I have a few theories. Shopping with their girlfriends or wives leaves them bored, as they've suppressed the "gay" gene so hardcore over the years they can't relate to shopping and therefore must go to their most base animal instinct: f***ing. Traveling tends to make everyone anxious, and the need to go to the loo occurs more often due to anxiety. And nothing relieves tension like busting a nut.
Jill: Let's move forward and say you've chosen your bathroom locale, as I don't want to lose sight of the objective here--which is getting your faux closeted Republican ass some action!
Kevin: If you want to engage in more than a simple stroke fest with a buddy, I suggest that when you enter the restroom, you walk past the urinals when you and pick a stall--any stall will do. If you aren't a germ-phobic closeted 'mo, sit your horny ass down. If you are, put down one of those weird toilet-seat-shaped covers and then sit your ass down....and wait. Eventually someone will sit down in the stall beside you. Once that occurs, it will soon obvious by scent and sound whether they are there for the real reason the restroom was invented, or for a little man-on-man action.
Jill: Are their certain signs or codes one would give to indicate his preferences?
Kevin: The signs that "it's on" are so varied -- but let's focus on the basics. The one that got our dear old friend in trouble is a tried and true method of gettin' some in a restroom: the foot tap. The foot tap should occur with the tapper's foot slightly invading the other stall... then you wait... then, if the other person taps his foot, proceed. The next action depends on whether you are a top or bottom.
If you choose to reach a hand under or roll a finger along the bottom of the stall divider, you'll be offering up your hand (or mouth and I've even heard ass! though I'm unsure of how this actually occurs by constraints of space). This would put you in the submissive position. If you prefer being serviced, then you sit and wait it out till someone offers up said hand or finger... then give that bitch what he wants!
This will absolutely assure you some action and possibly an arrest if the police are feeling like a little entrapment that day, as there is absolutely no way that anyone following these steps --especially if they have so much to lose--would ever engage in anything without the go-ahead from the other side. Well, unless they happen to be high on meth and then that's a completely different subject altogether and a far more destructive element in our culture than someone trying to get off!
Jill: So, would you say most the men cruising, in these public places, are sad closeted married men, or out gay men who just find that kind of pickup sexy?
Kevin: I have to say that the peeps looking for "love" in the restroom setting are a varied mix of older closeted Republican fart knockers who have voted against the core of who they are, gay boys out and proud but looking for a little kink, jock straight (or str8) guys who want to re-live a bit of the old locker room stroke fest they had in high school or college, and everything in between, really... dudes are horny retards when it comes to their wieners and honestly will nut whenever the need arises... pun intended!
Jill: Have you ever engaged?
Kevin: Yes, and I have a ton of reasons why... I am a kinky weirdo that gets off on the thought of some stud blowing me and then leaving the bathroom to finish shopping with his wife or girlfriend... it makes me feel sexy. I am more of a rub one out with a bud at the urinal though as that was something I did as a young guy in school first realizing I liked guys.
I would like to say that just because this sort of thing occurs it absolutely does not mean that I, Mr. Craig, or (most) any other person engaging in this particular past time is out to f*** some infant up the butt! I mean... give me a break, already. My being a proud gay man with a perverted streak does not mean that I am a lecherous turd or a blight on society. If being supportive of a corrupt government makes me an upright citizen then I prefer to be on the fringe please... and thank you.
Jill: Thanks Kevin. This has been a swell time and educational too.