Thursday, February 28, 2008

Gay Public Bathroom Etiquette: An Interview with Kevin Posey

(This post was supposed to be published around the time of the Larry Craig scandal - around Oct 1, 2007 - but it was too racy. Hmmm, I wonder why?)

At first I was amused. Another Republican Senator caught in a seedy homo act! And one who had voted in a hypocritical and self-hating way on marriage and hate crimes. I was amazed at the press conference where Larry Craig professed that he wasn't gay, over and over again. I laughed at the parodies of the scene from the Minneapolis airport bathroom stalls.

But then I started getting tired of it, and angry. Especially
after reading about all the right-wing pols and commentators foaming at the mouth trying to distance themselves from him--like playing footsie in a public bathroom is way worse than Senators aiding and abetting a corrupt and criminal administration.

Plus, I kind of feel sorry for Sen. Craig, that he had to lead a double and closeted life. How horrible must that be? I know, I know, the Foleys and the Haggards get what they deserve, but still... I think it's tired and cheap to keep poking fun.

The family-values bloggers have been using the Larry Craig incident to confirm their fear and loathing of gay men as sinful sexual predators. Sadly, since the Senator didn't feel like he could carry out his business openly (on, say, the Rosie Cruise) he had to be sneaky and yucky about it. But that doesn't mean he's a predator. He was looking for other gay men who knew the protocol, which includes the foot-tapping undercover cop who arrested him. Shouldn't he have been looking out for terrorists instead of closeted old gay men?

Anyway, this whole thing has got me wondering: What exactly is the protocol for sex in a public bathroom? I decided to ask fellow musician and makeup artist to the rock stars, Kevin Posey. I somehow thought he would know.

Jill: Kevin, if I was a closeted gay Republican who wanted sex in the Minneapolis airport bathroom, how would I get to it?

Kevin: Well, Jill, if you happened to be a closeted gay Republican looking to get your rocks off in a public forum, you would just need to decide a couple of things. First: shopping mall, or any type of mass transit venue? I'm not certain what it is about these specific places that brings out the gay in guys but I have a few theories. Shopping with their girlfriends or wives leaves them bored, as they've suppressed the "gay" gene so hardcore over the years they can't relate to shopping and therefore must go to their most base animal instinct: f***ing. Traveling tends to make everyone anxious, and the need to go to the loo occurs more often due to anxiety. And nothing relieves tension like busting a nut.

Jill: Let's move forward and say you've chosen your bathroom locale, as I don't want to lose sight of the objective here--which is getting your faux closeted Republican ass some action!

Kevin: If you want to engage in more than a simple stroke fest with a buddy, I suggest that when you enter the restroom, you walk past the urinals when you and pick a stall--any stall will do. If you aren't a germ-phobic closeted 'mo, sit your horny ass down. If you are, put down one of those weird toilet-seat-shaped covers and then sit your ass down....and wait. Eventually someone will sit down in the stall beside you. Once that occurs, it will soon obvious by scent and sound whether they are there for the real reason the restroom was invented, or for a little man-on-man action.

Jill: Are their certain signs or codes one would give to indicate his preferences?

Kevin: The signs that "it's on" are so varied -- but let's focus on the basics. The one that got our dear old friend in trouble is a tried and true method of gettin' some in a restroom: the foot tap. The foot tap should occur with the tapper's foot slightly invading the other stall... then you wait... then, if the other person taps his foot, proceed. The next action depends on whether you are a top or bottom.

If you choose to reach a hand under or roll a finger along the bottom of the stall divider, you'll be offering up your hand (or mouth and I've even heard ass! though I'm unsure of how this actually occurs by constraints of space). This would put you in the submissive position. If you prefer being serviced, then you sit and wait it out till someone offers up said hand or finger... then give that bitch what he wants!

This will absolutely assure you some action and possibly an arrest if the police are feeling like a little entrapment that day, as there is absolutely no way that anyone following these steps --especially if they have so much to lose--would ever engage in anything without the go-ahead from the other side. Well, unless they happen to be high on meth and then that's a completely different subject altogether and a far more destructive element in our culture than someone trying to get off!

Jill: So, would you say most the men cruising, in these public places, are sad closeted married men, or out gay men who just find that kind of pickup sexy?

Kevin: I have to say that the peeps looking for "love" in the restroom setting are a varied mix of older closeted Republican fart knockers who have voted against the core of who they are, gay boys out and proud but looking for a little kink, jock straight (or str8) guys who want to re-live a bit of the old locker room stroke fest they had in high school or college, and everything in between, really... dudes are horny retards when it comes to their wieners and honestly will nut whenever the need arises... pun intended!

Jill: Have you ever engaged?

Kevin: Yes, and I have a ton of reasons why... I am a kinky weirdo that gets off on the thought of some stud blowing me and then leaving the bathroom to finish shopping with his wife or girlfriend... it makes me feel sexy. I am more of a rub one out with a bud at the urinal though as that was something I did as a young guy in school first realizing I liked guys.

I would like to say that just because this sort of thing occurs it absolutely does not mean that I, Mr. Craig, or (most) any other person engaging in this particular past time is out to f*** some infant up the butt! I mean... give me a break, already. My being a proud gay man with a perverted streak does not mean that I am a lecherous turd or a blight on society. If being supportive of a corrupt government makes me an upright citizen then I prefer to be on the fringe please... and thank you.

Jill: Thanks Kevin. This has been a swell time and educational too.


Vincent Blackwood said...

So I guess I’ll be the first in the door at the new place. Gee -- why?

Uncomfortable? Okay -- me too. And unless you are about to post something that involves Matthew 3:11 or are heading out to a public toilet, I bet you feel as guilty as me that you are a little queasy. I'm a straight man who likes being around women far more than men. Since high school my best friends have always been women, so the idea of two women being intimate doesn't bother me -- hell, it's cool. That DVD of "Vampyros Lesbos" on my coffee table? Oh, that's purely for educational value -- honest.

It might be that I was brought up in a household where men don't show affection -- hell, even to women -- so I flinch, when I know I shouldn't. I really only know what I feel -- and gee, this is the kind of subject that doesn't pop up much at dinner parties. So I feel like asking about other people's wholly illogical feelings about normal human sexuality. And as John Waters said, "Limits. We all have limits. Even Divine felt a little homophobic when he met Richard Simmons."

I know this will get zero comments but -- what are your illogical feelings? Sure we all know about some one who's on the far right and is going to point to the bible. That is not what I'm thinking about. Perhaps you remember how I posted about a woman, a twenty-something liberal whose favorite artist were the "Indigo Girls". I say were because I may have ruined them for her. When I, in passing, mention that they were lesbians. She was horrified, "You mean THEY'RE GAY?" She wasn't joking. As liberal as she was -- it still got a "Ewww!" out of her. I hope she'll get over it -- I hope she likes the Tegan and Sara CD I got for her birthday. (I’m not going to tell her. Shhh.)

And I really only know how I feel, and am curious. Are there any straight women out there who would feel uncomfortable about hanging with Tegan and Sara? To any women at all, what would you think if you walked in on two of your male friends in the passions of amour; "Good for them", "Great two more cute guys who won't date me," or "Ewww, I just bought those sheets -- GUYS!" Or do you think we are all bisexual, and the reason heterosexuals feel uncomfortable is that we are in denial? I know, I can just see the comments rolling in! But I just know that this won't come up at my next dinner party. Or maybe I'm going to the wrong dinner parties.


The Provocateurs, Part 2 said...

Welcome Vincent! You are a brave man... Jill is away at some conference and so I've been left to mind the shop on my own. I knew that this interview wouldn't be for the faint of heart when I posted it. Even for me, it falls in the category of "waaay too much information." But in our new found, un-censored freedom, I got a little drunk with power and thought "fuck it."
Anyway, I think there's a huge double standard when it comes to acceptance of gay men and gay women. It's a cliche - guys love to see girls kiss. And for girls, even the straight ones, it's no big deal. No one makes a big show of recoiling from a girl-on-girl scene the way they do when two dudes make out. Hmmm.

And while, yes, we have our limits (LOVE John Waters, by the way), I think everyone lives somewhere on a sexuality continuum - from gay to straight. I know very few people personally who exist at the extremes. Richard Simmons may be one of them, but I don't know him. He could be kidding.

Thanks for coming back!
xo - Michelle

cyndaelle said...

Personally, being a bi-sexual woman, I am not at all bothered when seeing two men, or two women, in the throws of passion.. or merly sharing a little kiss. My best friend is a gay man and him and his partner are always cuddling and kissing on the couch when I am over (his roommate is also gay, so I get it x2). Right now, I am in a wonderful relationship with a man. He knows I'm bi, and he's said that if I ever get it on with a girl again, he wants to be there with his camera! Now, I wonder what he would do if he saw my "gays" getting it on???

I do believe, however, that everyone.. whether they admit it or not.. has one time or another, felt an attraction to a member of the same sex. Just look at Kensey's scale of human sexuality. Most people fit right smack dab in the middle. Also, there was a study done by a reputable college where they took a group of men, seperated them according to sexual preference and showed them erotic photos of two men. The "straight" men were arroused (it's a little hard to deny it when there is a measuring device on your genitals!).

Anyways.. those are my thoughts. It's great to be able to express them freely! Whhhhhhew!